These 7 overlooked mistakes can hold your Relationship from flourishing.
Who doesn’t make mistakes? it’s the ultimatum to learn any life lesson hard and fast.
One shouldn’t be scared to make mistakes as that’s the key to unlock life lessons but it gets complicated when it comes to relationships considering it not only involves another person but is an investment of our powerful emotions. Sometimes, our awareness to examine things objectively gets lost in a midst of relationship chaos and we end up repeating our same mistakes without realizing it.
If you are striving to save your relationship or aspire to build it stronger, Here I have listed few mistakes to avoid that may not be obvious mistakes but if corrected it can intensify your connection with your partner, making it more meaningful and profound.
1. Your Relationship Advisor.
Ahh, my favourite one. So ladies, can you recall the times when you asked your group of friends relationship advice? even though most of them were single? and probably misled since you provided them with your version of the situation (of both sides)? ring any bell?
Only a few people can be trusted thoughtlessly and best friends top that list, but when it comes to relationships, they might not be your suitable advisor since they tend to overlook your mistakes. Unless they’ve been through the same situation as yours, give a second thought to their advice as it may not be useful in your circumstance. If they end up encouraging you at the wrong time instead of correcting you, that will only stroke your pride and push you further away.
If you genuinely need relationship advice, speak to your friends who share a healthy relationship with their partner. Their judgment might give you an idea of what you should do but remember to hear to your gut instinct as well. After all, it’s your relationship that we’re discussing.
2. Your Knee-jerk Defense.
Do you know who struggles often in a relationship? somebody that implement logic and reasoning in all the aspects of life, even in their love life. Are you the one?
Because the moment your partner opens up about what’s hurting them or disturbing them. The first thing you do is justify your side instead of acknowledging their pain and perhaps taking accountability for it. You instantly become defensive because according to your scientific brain, you didn’t do anything wrong (at least intentionally) and while giving justification to your partner of “Why it shouldn’t hurt you the way it did”, We hurt them more. For a moment, let’s also say you are right in your defence but that won’t make your partner feel better because you are still being ignorant of their pain.
You can be a good partner if you listen attentively and stay calm minded, treat them with love, apologize for the caused pain, make them feel understood. If your partner is hurt then that can’t be changed. It can only be corrected by acknowledging and taking responsibility that you’ve hurt them. Your defence tactic will work brilliantly in your office but not in such an emotionally charged situation.
3. Expecting your Partner to fill all the pots.
Your partner is your all-time supporter but do they need to play all the characters of your life?
Your partner can come in any form — a Lover, a Best friend, an Entertainer, a side parent, your counsellor…..they can be anything for you but not Everything.
Your partner leads a separate life, he has a different friend circle, different goals and possibly a different lifestyle. It should be appreciated if they can be a dynamic partner to you and support your different needs but this should never be expected out of them otherwise you are only setting yourself for disappointments when your expectation won’t be fulfilled.
For instance, If your partner is an introvert but you expect them to go out every weekend with you because you enjoy it, that may be an unfit expectation or, perhaps When your partner is too occupied in his work life and isn’t able to spend as much quality time as he used to, try to understand their position and support them instead of being bitter and act selfishly.
Attempt to observe and recognize if you have any set of untenable expectation from your partner which is letting you down and then let’em go.
4. Half-Hearted Honesty.
Are you completely honest with your partner? Are you sure about it?
Honesty mainly consists of two things – To never lie to your partner & to never hide anything from your partner. Simple enough? Not for everyone.
There could be many reasons why someone chose not to be open and honest. Maybe they are heavily guarded of their feelings and find it hard to be vulnerable, or they are afraid to hurt their partner’s feeling because the truth is brutal; perhaps it’s about the habits of their partner which upsets them but won’t share because it will probably offend or insult their partner.
You know what not being honest brings to your relationship? Miscommunication, Unnecessary arguments, insecurity and other critical diseases, which certainly can destroy any healthy relation. Try this, Be honest no matter how afraid you are or frightened from their judgement. Share your vulnerable thoughts and feelings. Tell them honestly what’s hurting you because if you won’t share your heart with your partner then they won’t have any clue about it either and without honesty, no relationship can grow strong and wholesome.
So if you find yourself asking how do I resolve my relationship issue? — try serving raw honesty and truth to your partner (Give them a chance, will you?)
5. Passive complaining.
Passive complaining is when one person has few complaints from their partner however they decided to discuss their complaints with Everyone but their partner, sound familiar?
Often we complain about our partners to our friends and other people to release our anger or frustration of a recent problem but that also signifies you are bad-mouthing your partner to everyone which would create a negative image of your partner and perhaps, a wrong one since they haven’t heard both sides. Later on, you might be able to fix your problem with your partner but your friends would still have a negative perception of your partner.
I understand some of the complaints are genuine and that’s why it’s more important to confront them. For instance – if your partner tends to overlook your messages oftentimes because they are too occupied in their work and if it bothers you, be upfront and vocal about it because complaining to your friends would never fix anything, only your partner can bring you tranquillity and balance.
6. Taken granted, less or more.
Once the initial stage passes and the couple go back to their comfort zone, the partner who feels quite secure and stable in the relationship may take their partner for granted because deep down they believe their partner isn’t going anywhere no matter what.
Their effort for romance, creating surprises, making you feel loved in the smallest way possible is not the same as it was before. They grow agitated, impatient and their words don’t hold the same love language. How tragic is that? am not saying they don’t love you anymore but they act and live as if you aren’t leaving them, ever.
On the flip side, When one partner worries in extreme from the fear of losing their partner, they grow anxious, insecure and pretty restless, often end up clinging to their partner through “constant calls and messages, being suspicious without any reasons, competing for their attention” solely because they are too frightened of their own imagined fear of losing them.
If you have taken your partner for granted, show some appreciation and effort while you still have time because (Mark my words) they will leave you eventually if you don’t reciprocate their efforts. Go make a difference and spoil them as long as they still love you. On the other hand, if you are the worried one, find your clarity, shift your attention to other aspects of your life and most importantly, communicate to your partner about this fear to find the source of such troubling thoughts and then work it out together.
7. Sacrificing your experience.
At the initial stage of dating, we let ourselves get sidetracked from our personal experiences, growth, friends and family because of our new found love that could be pretty overwhelming. Without realizing we cut back from our family, cancel our plans with our friends, reschedule our meetings…..as we want to spend every moment with our lover however if you expected to miss out on important things just so you can keep up with your relationship then it’s the problem because It’s not okay if only you’re making such sacrifices out of your life only to fit into your partner’s fixed schedule.
Spending all or most of your time with one person can make you dependent, for happiness, pleasure, adventures besides new love interest or not, you still have a career, goals, skills to upgrade and a higher self to reach.
Is any Relationship worth sacrificing your growth, learning and experiences?— Never
To overcome these mistakes, we need to be more vulnerable and open with our partner but that can be quite tricky. If being vulnerable is hard for you or curious about it, I urge you to give this post a read.